Walking It Out

Wrote this Saturday evening.. very late. Too late to post.  But I’m going to leave it as it stands…

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I had decided early on with this blog, given the title, that I would do my best to be transparent and be real, even when things weren’t all awesome and amazing. Then this evening, I’ve been listening to a prophetic word, and part of it was telling others of your journey, including the processing, and not just the end tale of glory. Yes… we fail. Some days are just a bit tougher.

I’ve not really had much time for writing.. not even in my journal. It’s been a bit of a blessed whirlwind. I’ve already posted that I’ve gained a new son. That’s a positive! What I’m not sure I included, was that he’s also helping sort out, and route out some things from the past that have been buried or hidden, some I’m finding out, from a very long time ago.

It’s a process. Tonight it seems like a long process. There’s been this ebb and flow kind of thing with it for the last couple of months. Something is revealed, sometimes by confrontation, other’s by God just quietly pointing out a thought that needs to be captured and thrown down.

Tonight was a bit of a surprise.. actually there’s been a lot of those in the last couple of weeks. My son, who’s has the loving nickname of Doctor Bryan, had prescribed recently 20 hours of Graham Cooke teachings. Graham is good on identity stuff. I had gotten a couple off of Graham’s site a few days ago, that were available without cost.  I was listening to one of those.. pretty much for hours off and on. I wasn’t prepared for the ensuing encounters.

About midway in this audio, there’s a declaration made – the whole audio actually was a prophetic word or prayer. I’ve listened to this section no less than 15 times.. but I think it was more. Everytime I listen to it, I’m stunned. For just about a minute or two, the voice is different. It’s not Graham’s voice. But it’s a voice I know, a voice I’m intimately acquainted with. This is a voice I’ve been desperate to hear again. It is even the voice I trust above all others. It’s this last piece that’s doing me in.

I didn’t know the wells of pain in one’s soul could possibly run so deep. Actually, they started opening up last weekend. I knew it wasn’t done then, and to be honest, I don’t think it’s done now either. But I know this – the voice is God’s. And as I’m hearing Him say “I Will Win” 3 times over, and I’m recognizing His Voice, declaring, assuring, making His point, the tears flowed and the real crying lets loose. Wow, I can hardly believe I’m writing this for people to read.

I’ve had experiences with profound grief, and am now well acquainted with the rending of one’s heart – hurts like nothing else. This was sort of the same but different. Years of pain, and fear and many many prayers prayed started forcing their way out. I couldn’t see the road anymore even. When I got home.. I just let go and let it rip, sitting in the driveway, pretty much unable to move.

It’s been a long wait, most likely, longer than I was aware of. But that’s enough for now..

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Note: in the midst of the process, there’s also restoring and rebuilding going on!!! Will get to that in a later post..

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