Dance in the Rain

What I really wanted

Is to dance in the rain

Holding nothing back

Everything to gain

 

But that’s not what happened

As the downpours came

In the midst of the storms

I just crumbled again

 

As I cried out to You

My tears fell like the rain

I stumbled and fell

My heart full of shame

 

But You never leave me there

Crumpled on the floor

 

No, You never leave me there

 

You pick me up

And say you’re OK

You say “Trust Me now,

I’ll never leave you

And I’m right here, 

Child, I’m right here

 

Be still My Child

It’ll be alright

Cause I’ve got you now 

And I’ll hold you tight

 

Give it all to Me

I want everything

I paid the price

To set you free

Let go of the shame

And give Me your pain

I’ll work it out

It’ll be all right

Just wait and see

And leave it to Me

 

Dust yourself off now

And remember you are Mine

You’re never alone

Remember you are Mine

 

Dance like you want to

Praise, come what may 

You’re getting stronger 

You can dance….. 

Dance in the rain.”

Advertisements

Walking it Out – Part 2: HOPE

Twelve years ago, in February and March, two life changing events occurred. The first, was an encounter during our ending worship song, in which for a moment of earthly time, I was no longer in the room. I was elsewhere, but still in a worship setting, and I was beginning to see what I was Called to do. It was but the first piece, the second of which came later in the day with my introduction to Isaiah 61 through Luke 4:18.

Five weekends later came the second event. This one plunged me into the most devastating nightmare of my life. Had this been a one weekend thing, it would not have had as great an effect. No, this was the seemingly never ending nightmare, that just continued to unfold and get worse.

This began what unfolded as a strategic assault, not just on one front, but many. There were too many layers, and too many people and circumstances, and too many dimensions for me to sort out by myself. I learned things about people and situations I never wanted to know. All my core understandings and beliefs were shaken at best, shattered at worst. But, I still had Him. That never changed. That never will.

I did my best. It’s all I could do. Did I make all the right decisions along the way, I’m sure not.. I made many mistakes, but I was trying to be obedient as best I knew how in the midst of hell, and even my mistakes were counted as good in the trying.

There were things said by those whose words carried great weight, and I took a lot of them to heart when I really should have believed in me, and Him, more. But I was just a 40 year old kid in the Kingdom, actually pretty doggone naive. Turns out, I was in the middle of other peoples messes which only made more complications. And the enemy was directly and covertly in the mix. At some point.. the war became as well a battlefield in the mind.

Sooo… after about 18 months of this nightmare, things began to turn. A door opened for me to attend a new church closer to my hometown. And God began the healing process.

I remember just a couple of months into the whole ordeal, looking up at the night sky and saying to God.. “You’re not going to rescue me this time, are You?” I’d gotten quite used to Him as my rescue. As it now turns out, I was not quite accurate. Although walking through was the course, NOW the rescue is in full operation.

This is where my new son comes in. I said in the last post that he was helping me to sort some of this stuff. But in all actuality, it’s more than that. I’m being rescued from lies and pain and mindsets and even the grip of the enemy. More on that in a bit. The healing continues. I want to share what I wrote in my journal the other morning, as I was processing this current portion of the journey.

This statement had been made, oh about a week prior and then another. And they just kept resounding…  Here’s the journal entry…

*****************

“True love takes risks”

“I will risk your anger to guard your heart”

OK – when did that happen – sitting here after writing that statement – I guess thinking about it and how profound and beautiful it is, and how incredible it is to be loved that much – Suddenly my heart swells with so much love, in a way I’ve not felt in a long long time.

And I find myself asking –

Am I really ready to have my heart wide open again? To Love without fear? To love without reservation, walls, guard or caution?

I don’t think I ever saw that as a possibility again. In fact, I forgot what it felt like. I really did.

***************

Much has happened since that morning, so I did not get to share it. Today I finally sat down with it again. I knew that morning I needed to share it. Maybe I just needed more pieces first. So here’s today’s journaling.. with and without maybe some editing. 🙂

*******

Perfect love casts out fear.

In this process, there are some things that have been presented, sometimes in type; sometimes – a voice over a phone line; sometimes with an expression, a look that can be recalled with the tone of voice and emphasis. These replay. Sometimes when I least expect it. Mostly, just when needed. They’ve become not only building blocks, but a sword in my hand to do battle with – truths to cut down lies.

It’s working – quickly and effectively.

It’s most often in the uncomfortable silences – seemingly left alone, that the thoughts come, the ‘voices’ that lie, that challenge, that try to unglue.

But these nuggets of truth – you are loved, you are safe, I won’t leave, I won’t harm you, I will protect you, your heart is important to me… You are important to me; you are important to God, etc – these are beginning to combat the lies. And these are beginning to combat words previously on repeat. [Some of those truths have been spoken outright, some ‘gleaned’ from other statements, but still given by God to me as truths to grab hold of.]

When fear says, ‘I can’t trust this’, I remember: ‘I’ve been given a son”… ‘Will you visit?” “Certainly”.

When fear says – “you’ve been abandoned” – Love says, here I am, I am, “I’m not slow, I’m patient”.

When fear says – I won’t be rescued, Love said I’m rescuing you now.

When fear says – I’m scared of …. the dark, what I don’t understand, the pain, etc. “I am your Protector”; ‘I am very protective of your eye”; “I will fight to the death to see your dreams and your calling come to pass”; “Have you been fighting for me?””Always”, “since the day I met you”.

 “You are part of My household, I am obligated to protect you”

“Michael has been sent to guard you in this process”

God wants me free, even more than I want to be free.

He said He was going to heal me.. every molecule of my being. Though I’ve ‘reminded’ Him, and me of this promise, I think I may have given up on being that healed and restored. But He’s doing it, NOW, in ways that are so much greater then I could have hoped for.

I’ve learned truth about Him in the last couple of weeks, much in part due to these truths that have been coming my way through Love. When the lies come, the truth comes also, and I can grab what’s true and choose it over what had appeared true. Some of that is choosing to believe in the someone whom was sent to help, with an overwhelming amount of evidence to back it up. Every time I’ve done this, more truth has been revealed. And in the process, that which was stolen or misplaced, is starting to get set back in it’s rightful place. I’m being rebuilt from the inside out.

For months I thought, this nightmare will be over soon. For years then I thought, anytime now, we’ll turn the corner. For years I had my eyes on the wrong reality. Cause for years, what seemed like a nightmare for which there was no remedy, was actually a time of preparation, to walk in the promise first given that year, before all hell broke loose. To be honest.. the greatest blessings and encounters of my life have come throughout the last 12 years (God encounters). New history being made with Him. New understanding released. You can’t walk anyone else through something you’ve not walked through, nor can you truly understand it. There have been giftings unwrapped and released. There has been teaching and exposure to Kingdom realities that might never have come, had I not had the catalysts for change.

Though I can’t say I yet understand what really happened, or why He allowed it, I can finally say, with full belief, that’s it going to be ok. I can breath. I’m going to be ok. Redeemed and restored to the fullness of His original creative purposes. I will walk in all that He destined for me. And I have this nugget to hold on to in the midst of the journey:

My son has seen my best, and will not stop believing in it and fighting for it, until the fullness of its manifestation is in the now. And when doubt rises, I will continue to knock it down, cause God is faithful. What He said He will do. His words will not return to Him void.

No one really understands your journey. Maybe not even those closest to you. But God does and He is determined to collect His entire inheritance. He is not bound by time, or anything other than our will. But, I think He even knows His way around that. He is not afraid to move Heaven and Earth and even “Hell” if need be, on your behalf. In the season of shaking, let Him shake it all. He will be faithful to rebuild if you let Him, and what remains will be unshakable…

“whose voice then shook the earth; but now He has promised, saying, Yet once more I shake not only the earth, but also heaven.”  Now this, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of those things that are being shaken, as of things that are made, that the things which cannot be shaken may remain.
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear”   Hebrews 12:26-8 (NKJV)

Everything Changes… And Repeat

I am beginning to notice a trend to my postings, whether on this blog or my Mission Possible! site. I seem to keep saying, in one form or another, that everything changes.

For the last 14 years or so, this seems to be so very true. Sometimes the changes come so fast and furious that they are hard to keep up with. Some changes are joyous and fun and others can be heartbreaking. Some, just make you stop in your track, causing you to need to remind yourself to breath.

But that’s ok! Seriously, it’s ok to stop, take a few deep breaths (however long that takes!), and take stock of what just happened in the light of everywhere you’ve been, knew and understood and believe, and where know you’re headed – dreams, hopes and visions, prophecies, promises and the like. And Truth. Where does this fit in the bigger picture. If it’s God, it will reveal it’s Truth in the scheme of His timeline and purposes. It will, though maybe not immediately, begin to make perfect sense and become a solid reality, as if it had belonged there all along. NOTE! This could also be the catalyst for needed adjustments and changes! Changes in behaviors and attitudes as well as adjustments in beliefs… HE is always tweaking and aligning!

Anyone who’s ever gone through any traumatic event KNOWS that NOTHING looks the same or carries the same weight, importance or meaning afterwards. EVERYTHING looks different!!

Sure seems like I’ve been here a lot in the last handful of months. (not tragedies, just trying!!!) Some of those junctures have been painful, often resulting in some letting go – which when you know how good this can be gets easier since you know there’s fruit in doing so; with the real possibility that in time what’s been released will be later restored.

Fortunately, in recent weeks, the changes have been fast and furious but nearly painless. Or maybe the pain of birth has just been forgotten with the joy of it’s arrival. We are in a new day in the great timeline of eternity, and things are changing quickly.

In the same manner that scientists are discovering realities they never saw before, God is revealing more and more of who He is, who we are and it’s sometimes mind blowing and breath taking. There is NO LIMIT to God – HE is without limit. I just turned 52 and have spent a lifetime believing and in relationship, and I am still being astounded by what is being revealed.

That’s where I’ve been in the last couple of days. I’m faced with a truth that I just have no grid for, but I know its real. I actually love that God does this. It’s keeps us fresh and hungering for more and open to the new that He wants to show us. Religion so quickly boxes us in. We get solid in our beliefs, and some of our foundational beliefs had better be, or we will be swept away where we do NOT want to be swept away to and by. Some of what we believed to be rock solid and immovable turned out not to be so true, or was just one layer of the truth to be built upon. But truth be told, His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts not our thoughts. His thinking and ways of doing are on such a higher plane than ours. He sees, moves, etc. with eternity in perspective – He sees the end from the beginning. And He knows exactly how to get us to our end, nothing escapes His gaze.

So once again, I’ll stand in this space of wonder and inquire and enjoy the mystery that is unfolding while I wait for the ‘how’ I fit in or maneuver in this new dimension of truth.