I somehow doubt that we know what freedom we are missing,
Until we’ve found it.
I somehow doubt that we know what freedom we are missing,
Until we’ve found it.
Twelve years ago, in February and March, two life changing events occurred. The first, was an encounter during our ending worship song, in which for a moment of earthly time, I was no longer in the room. I was elsewhere, but still in a worship setting, and I was beginning to see what I was Called to do. It was but the first piece, the second of which came later in the day with my introduction to Isaiah 61 through Luke 4:18.
Five weekends later came the second event. This one plunged me into the most devastating nightmare of my life. Had this been a one weekend thing, it would not have had as great an effect. No, this was the seemingly never ending nightmare, that just continued to unfold and get worse.
This began what unfolded as a strategic assault, not just on one front, but many. There were too many layers, and too many people and circumstances, and too many dimensions for me to sort out by myself. I learned things about people and situations I never wanted to know. All my core understandings and beliefs were shaken at best, shattered at worst. But, I still had Him. That never changed. That never will.
I did my best. It’s all I could do. Did I make all the right decisions along the way, I’m sure not.. I made many mistakes, but I was trying to be obedient as best I knew how in the midst of hell, and even my mistakes were counted as good in the trying.
There were things said by those whose words carried great weight, and I took a lot of them to heart when I really should have believed in me, and Him, more. But I was just a 40 year old kid in the Kingdom, actually pretty doggone naive. Turns out, I was in the middle of other peoples messes which only made more complications. And the enemy was directly and covertly in the mix. At some point.. the war became as well a battlefield in the mind.
Sooo… after about 18 months of this nightmare, things began to turn. A door opened for me to attend a new church closer to my hometown. And God began the healing process.
I remember just a couple of months into the whole ordeal, looking up at the night sky and saying to God.. “You’re not going to rescue me this time, are You?” I’d gotten quite used to Him as my rescue. As it now turns out, I was not quite accurate. Although walking through was the course, NOW the rescue is in full operation.
This is where my new son comes in. I said in the last post that he was helping me to sort some of this stuff. But in all actuality, it’s more than that. I’m being rescued from lies and pain and mindsets and even the grip of the enemy. More on that in a bit. The healing continues. I want to share what I wrote in my journal the other morning, as I was processing this current portion of the journey.
This statement had been made, oh about a week prior and then another. And they just kept resounding… Here’s the journal entry…
“True love takes risks”
“I will risk your anger to guard your heart”
OK – when did that happen – sitting here after writing that statement – I guess thinking about it and how profound and beautiful it is, and how incredible it is to be loved that much – Suddenly my heart swells with so much love, in a way I’ve not felt in a long long time.
And I find myself asking –
Am I really ready to have my heart wide open again? To Love without fear? To love without reservation, walls, guard or caution?
I don’t think I ever saw that as a possibility again. In fact, I forgot what it felt like. I really did.
Much has happened since that morning, so I did not get to share it. Today I finally sat down with it again. I knew that morning I needed to share it. Maybe I just needed more pieces first. So here’s today’s journaling.. with and without maybe some editing. 🙂
Perfect love casts out fear.
In this process, there are some things that have been presented, sometimes in type; sometimes – a voice over a phone line; sometimes with an expression, a look that can be recalled with the tone of voice and emphasis. These replay. Sometimes when I least expect it. Mostly, just when needed. They’ve become not only building blocks, but a sword in my hand to do battle with – truths to cut down lies.
It’s working – quickly and effectively.
It’s most often in the uncomfortable silences – seemingly left alone, that the thoughts come, the ‘voices’ that lie, that challenge, that try to unglue.
But these nuggets of truth – you are loved, you are safe, I won’t leave, I won’t harm you, I will protect you, your heart is important to me… You are important to me; you are important to God, etc – these are beginning to combat the lies. And these are beginning to combat words previously on repeat. [Some of those truths have been spoken outright, some ‘gleaned’ from other statements, but still given by God to me as truths to grab hold of.]
When fear says, ‘I can’t trust this’, I remember: ‘I’ve been given a son”… ‘Will you visit?” “Certainly”.
When fear says – “you’ve been abandoned” – Love says, here I am, I am, “I’m not slow, I’m patient”.
When fear says – I won’t be rescued, Love said I’m rescuing you now.
When fear says – I’m scared of …. the dark, what I don’t understand, the pain, etc. “I am your Protector”; ‘I am very protective of your eye”; “I will fight to the death to see your dreams and your calling come to pass”; “Have you been fighting for me?””Always”, “since the day I met you”.
“You are part of My household, I am obligated to protect you”
“Michael has been sent to guard you in this process”
God wants me free, even more than I want to be free.
He said He was going to heal me.. every molecule of my being. Though I’ve ‘reminded’ Him, and me of this promise, I think I may have given up on being that healed and restored. But He’s doing it, NOW, in ways that are so much greater then I could have hoped for.
I’ve learned truth about Him in the last couple of weeks, much in part due to these truths that have been coming my way through Love. When the lies come, the truth comes also, and I can grab what’s true and choose it over what had appeared true. Some of that is choosing to believe in the someone whom was sent to help, with an overwhelming amount of evidence to back it up. Every time I’ve done this, more truth has been revealed. And in the process, that which was stolen or misplaced, is starting to get set back in it’s rightful place. I’m being rebuilt from the inside out.
For months I thought, this nightmare will be over soon. For years then I thought, anytime now, we’ll turn the corner. For years I had my eyes on the wrong reality. Cause for years, what seemed like a nightmare for which there was no remedy, was actually a time of preparation, to walk in the promise first given that year, before all hell broke loose. To be honest.. the greatest blessings and encounters of my life have come throughout the last 12 years (God encounters). New history being made with Him. New understanding released. You can’t walk anyone else through something you’ve not walked through, nor can you truly understand it. There have been giftings unwrapped and released. There has been teaching and exposure to Kingdom realities that might never have come, had I not had the catalysts for change.
Though I can’t say I yet understand what really happened, or why He allowed it, I can finally say, with full belief, that’s it going to be ok. I can breath. I’m going to be ok. Redeemed and restored to the fullness of His original creative purposes. I will walk in all that He destined for me. And I have this nugget to hold on to in the midst of the journey:
My son has seen my best, and will not stop believing in it and fighting for it, until the fullness of its manifestation is in the now. And when doubt rises, I will continue to knock it down, cause God is faithful. What He said He will do. His words will not return to Him void.
No one really understands your journey. Maybe not even those closest to you. But God does and He is determined to collect His entire inheritance. He is not bound by time, or anything other than our will. But, I think He even knows His way around that. He is not afraid to move Heaven and Earth and even “Hell” if need be, on your behalf. In the season of shaking, let Him shake it all. He will be faithful to rebuild if you let Him, and what remains will be unshakable…
Wrote this Saturday evening.. very late. Too late to post. But I’m going to leave it as it stands…
I had decided early on with this blog, given the title, that I would do my best to be transparent and be real, even when things weren’t all awesome and amazing. Then this evening, I’ve been listening to a prophetic word, and part of it was telling others of your journey, including the processing, and not just the end tale of glory. Yes… we fail. Some days are just a bit tougher.
I’ve not really had much time for writing.. not even in my journal. It’s been a bit of a blessed whirlwind. I’ve already posted that I’ve gained a new son. That’s a positive! What I’m not sure I included, was that he’s also helping sort out, and route out some things from the past that have been buried or hidden, some I’m finding out, from a very long time ago.
It’s a process. Tonight it seems like a long process. There’s been this ebb and flow kind of thing with it for the last couple of months. Something is revealed, sometimes by confrontation, other’s by God just quietly pointing out a thought that needs to be captured and thrown down.
Tonight was a bit of a surprise.. actually there’s been a lot of those in the last couple of weeks. My son, who’s has the loving nickname of Doctor Bryan, had prescribed recently 20 hours of Graham Cooke teachings. Graham is good on identity stuff. I had gotten a couple off of Graham’s site a few days ago, that were available without cost. I was listening to one of those.. pretty much for hours off and on. I wasn’t prepared for the ensuing encounters.
About midway in this audio, there’s a declaration made – the whole audio actually was a prophetic word or prayer. I’ve listened to this section no less than 15 times.. but I think it was more. Everytime I listen to it, I’m stunned. For just about a minute or two, the voice is different. It’s not Graham’s voice. But it’s a voice I know, a voice I’m intimately acquainted with. This is a voice I’ve been desperate to hear again. It is even the voice I trust above all others. It’s this last piece that’s doing me in.
I didn’t know the wells of pain in one’s soul could possibly run so deep. Actually, they started opening up last weekend. I knew it wasn’t done then, and to be honest, I don’t think it’s done now either. But I know this – the voice is God’s. And as I’m hearing Him say “I Will Win” 3 times over, and I’m recognizing His Voice, declaring, assuring, making His point, the tears flowed and the real crying lets loose. Wow, I can hardly believe I’m writing this for people to read.
I’ve had experiences with profound grief, and am now well acquainted with the rending of one’s heart – hurts like nothing else. This was sort of the same but different. Years of pain, and fear and many many prayers prayed started forcing their way out. I couldn’t see the road anymore even. When I got home.. I just let go and let it rip, sitting in the driveway, pretty much unable to move.
It’s been a long wait, most likely, longer than I was aware of. But that’s enough for now..
Note: in the midst of the process, there’s also restoring and rebuilding going on!!! Will get to that in a later post..