Walking It Out

Wrote this Saturday evening.. very late. Too late to post.  But I’m going to leave it as it stands…

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I had decided early on with this blog, given the title, that I would do my best to be transparent and be real, even when things weren’t all awesome and amazing. Then this evening, I’ve been listening to a prophetic word, and part of it was telling others of your journey, including the processing, and not just the end tale of glory. Yes… we fail. Some days are just a bit tougher.

I’ve not really had much time for writing.. not even in my journal. It’s been a bit of a blessed whirlwind. I’ve already posted that I’ve gained a new son. That’s a positive! What I’m not sure I included, was that he’s also helping sort out, and route out some things from the past that have been buried or hidden, some I’m finding out, from a very long time ago.

It’s a process. Tonight it seems like a long process. There’s been this ebb and flow kind of thing with it for the last couple of months. Something is revealed, sometimes by confrontation, other’s by God just quietly pointing out a thought that needs to be captured and thrown down.

Tonight was a bit of a surprise.. actually there’s been a lot of those in the last couple of weeks. My son, who’s has the loving nickname of Doctor Bryan, had prescribed recently 20 hours of Graham Cooke teachings. Graham is good on identity stuff. I had gotten a couple off of Graham’s site a few days ago, that were available without cost.  I was listening to one of those.. pretty much for hours off and on. I wasn’t prepared for the ensuing encounters.

About midway in this audio, there’s a declaration made – the whole audio actually was a prophetic word or prayer. I’ve listened to this section no less than 15 times.. but I think it was more. Everytime I listen to it, I’m stunned. For just about a minute or two, the voice is different. It’s not Graham’s voice. But it’s a voice I know, a voice I’m intimately acquainted with. This is a voice I’ve been desperate to hear again. It is even the voice I trust above all others. It’s this last piece that’s doing me in.

I didn’t know the wells of pain in one’s soul could possibly run so deep. Actually, they started opening up last weekend. I knew it wasn’t done then, and to be honest, I don’t think it’s done now either. But I know this – the voice is God’s. And as I’m hearing Him say “I Will Win” 3 times over, and I’m recognizing His Voice, declaring, assuring, making His point, the tears flowed and the real crying lets loose. Wow, I can hardly believe I’m writing this for people to read.

I’ve had experiences with profound grief, and am now well acquainted with the rending of one’s heart – hurts like nothing else. This was sort of the same but different. Years of pain, and fear and many many prayers prayed started forcing their way out. I couldn’t see the road anymore even. When I got home.. I just let go and let it rip, sitting in the driveway, pretty much unable to move.

It’s been a long wait, most likely, longer than I was aware of. But that’s enough for now..

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Note: in the midst of the process, there’s also restoring and rebuilding going on!!! Will get to that in a later post..

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Tears in a Bottle II – Psalm 130: 5-8

This is Michelle’s testimony today. I’ve been around for some of her journey in recent years. She’s a sweet, beautiful and generous, gentle woman of God, and the road has not been easy… And she is a genuine worshiper of Christ … Be encouraged!!

Psalm 130:5-8

I wait (tarry, hope, trust, expect, be patient, remain in anticipation) for the Lord, my soul does wait (to wait for, look for, expect, and hope). And in His word, do I hope (expectation, something yearned for and anticipated eagerly, confident expectation based on a solid certainty). My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, yes more than watchmen wait for the morning. Oh My people, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is mercy (kindness, loving kindness, unfailing love, tenderness, faithfulness) And with Him is ABUNDANT(have in excess, greatly surpass, excel, overflowing surplus, over and above, more than enough, profuse, extraordinary, more than sufficient) REDEMPTION (deliverance, setting free). And He will redeem (liberate, release, preserve, rescue, deliver, cut loose, sever, to free, to ransom, God’s desire to free His people) you from all your iniquities (evil fault, sin, guilt, blame, moral illness). **I also like to put sickness, disease, depression, etc…It is all not from HIM. 
The correct way to hope and wait on the Lord is to STEADFASTLY expect His mercy, salvation, rescue; and all the while, not taking matters into your own hands. Waiting on Him can sometimes be long and tiresome and it is easy to want to give up or lose hope. Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. I know, I have been there. In fact, up until just recently, I was so way past the point of waiting and I just felt a complacency. I knew I was loved and I loved Him, but I just didn’t feel it anymore. I was tired of waiting. I was done. I had been focusing on me, my health, my circumstances, my problems….of course I was weary and discouraged and wasn’t seeing Him in anything that involved me. But He was always there. He was always around. He was always speaking life over me. I was always on His mind. He paid an amazing price so that I could be set free. He had not forgotten me. I just forgot Who He is and had allowed me and my circumstances to get so big that I couldn’t see past them to see the TRUTH was always there. I knew in my head/heart He was there and occasionally would feel Him totally surround around me(especially when I fully surrendered in abandoned worship), but I just was tired. I know it is hard when you are physically going through a daily, moment by moment battle that seems to last forever!!! And for some of us, it has been years. And you just aren’t seeing those mountains move! It is hard to keep your eyes focused on Him and Him alone. I had to switch my perspective and view. When I began to look beyond myself and began to worship Him, to read His word with new “glasses”, began to Know HIM again… everything changed. Do I still have issues? Yes. Do I have a renewed hope? YES. Do I know that He has me in the palm of His hand and I am never alone? YES. Do I still believe that He is faithful to keep His promises to me? YES. Do I still believe I will walk in complete wholeness and healing? YES!!! There is a place where we can wait patiently and still have great expectation that He will redeem us, heal us, restore us, sozo us to the uttermost. And we can live in such sweet peace in the process. We can rest and abide in Him, and wait in expectation and hope knowing that He is good and faithful and we will see it come to pass. We can be that sweet fragrance of Hope to others and we can see Him move mountains in our lives and theirs. But how do we get to that place? One day at a time, moment by moment, day by day, year by year…reestablishing our intimacy with Him through constant communication, reading His word, praying and interceding for others, worshiping Him despite what we feel, and standing on His promises. These things will bring about a renewed hope and we will be taken with Him to higher levels where we can see ALL things from His perspective, and we will be changed!!! So if you are in that place where I was in, I want to encourage you, don’t give up, put your hope in the Lord. He is faithful and He will move the mountains for you. Trust me, you are not alone or forgotten. He loves you and so do I!!

How Beautiful are the Feet…

Truly, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring the good news… At what COST do they do so?¨Here in the mountainous regions of Nicaragua, this verse has taken on a new deeper meaning… 

Watching one I love dearly, preach while his feet were in excruciating pain, sometimes trying to hide it when what he really wanted to do was cry, I could no longer watch his face. All I wanted to do was cry. I remembered a vision a team member had before she came, of Jesus washing his feet, and I could see it. With such great love and care, hands full of healing water cupped in His Hands – suddenly that´s all I wanted to do, knowing there´d be weeping in the process. I knew Jesus saw his feet as beautiful, so very beautiful… saw it again when I opened my bible, for about the 5th time this trip (or week?) to Isaiah 53…

My heart breaking, I also saw the woman washing the feet of Jesus with her tears… I can not help but wonder… what did she know? or what did she see?? Did she see the cost these feet had paid to bring the good news of love and freedom to her and others? Did she see the high price they were soon to pay to redeem us all? 

Do we see the cost that is paid by those who carry the good news? We are quick to judge failures and that which we do not understand. We love the blessings that ministers bring… but do we ever stop to consider the cost that they have paid?? Do we ever stop to consider what those who have fallen have had to walk through, that the enemy would have taken such great length to bring them down and take them out? Who brings the feast of the good news to your table? Will you take a good look, and see these feet as beautiful, very very precious and beautiful… I´m pretty sure Jesus does.

And what about you? Are you willing to count the cost and walk across the mountains with the good news that others might recieve that beauty?

How beautiful upon the mountains
Are the feet of him who brings good news,
Who proclaims peace,
Who brings glad tidings of good things,
Who proclaims salvation,
Who says to Zion,
“Your God reigns!”

Isaiah 52:7